The Change

As someone who has suffered from mental illnesses for years, this was a bit difficult to type out for my English class's essay. I could remember having panic attacks and unintentionally hurting myself out of frustration and fear if my make-up was not perfect, or if my clothes did not fit right. I could remember the year I spent starving myself while taking diet pills. I could remember the weekends I spent binging on pizza and alcohol until I puked it all up and let myself slip into blessed sleep. I could remember the fear, the control it had on me and the power I thought I felt when I could dictate when or when not to feel the hunger pangs. In the process of losing weight, I was also losing myself to depression and anxiety. Getting out of the Army brought back feelings of self-loathing, but discovering a support system and sticking to my journey had helped combat those feelings.

When I was medically discharged out of the Army in 2013, at first all I felt was relief. I enjoyed the late mornings and the peace to do whatever I wanted during the day. I never thought I would be the type of person to get tired of such relaxing days but as time went on, the reoccurring depression I had dealt with for years slowly overtook the joy I thought I had found. Not a month later, I was barely able to get myself out of bed. I would get up only to make sure the pets were fed and to make sure I had something to snack on. I stopped cleaning the house and didn’t bother making meals for my husband anymore. I gained weight – a lot of weight. From an athletic size ten to an unhealthy size sixteen, you could see where life (or lack of it) was starting to take a toll on me. I longed to get up and go to work. I missed the office. I missed the people; I even missed the detestable Sargent Holt.

Through all of this, my friend Reagan stayed by my side. I regretted that I felt jealousy over her life and positive attitude. She had extra weight from having her baby the year before, but she was strong and determined; weight just did not seem to be an issue for Reagan. She made fitness and wellness her life, and did her best to bring me into it. I was so stubborn; the idea of a diet, of meal plans, and of working out seemed uninteresting to me at the time. Reagan did not give up on me so easily. She took me to events for her fitness job with Beachbody where I discovered an amazing support group; she offered to let me try her health drinks, full of vitamins and nutrients, which helped to energize me. She never stopped believing that I could not only join her, but succeed far beyond what I imagined. Finally, after a year of persisting, I caved in and decided to commit to that new way of life. At 190 pounds, I settled on my first goal of reaching 150 pounds.

It was a difficult change; I went through junk food and sleeping to healthy snacks and exercise. I dedicated an hour of my day to working out and spent another hour per three days focused on meal planning for the upcoming week. It seemed that the harder I worked and the better I ate, the less I had to deal with the depression's side effects. I soon began to look forward to what each new day would bring. I started cleaning the house again and took joy in my accomplishments. I played with my pets and made them feel as special as they made me feel. I made my husband dinners to look forward to after a long day of work. The sun shone, not only outside, but in my mind as well. After my first twenty-one days I had reached my first milestone; I had lost eight pounds and over ten inches from my body. 

So much has happened since I first started my fitness journey with Beachbody. I have had a great many experiences that have helped shape the person I had become, inside and out. I have admitted before that my journey has not been perfect; I continued to struggle with depression and anxiety, just like I continued struggle with weight-loss. Though I had not yet accomplished my goal of 150 pounds, felt I had gained something just as equally important along my journey: Self-love, a strong support group, and a better understanding of my body and how it works. I considered that a greater accomplishment than what I started out to do.